Live, for what? third part strangely sane _ u ya

Rugged past academic process, I've been fascinated about spirituality thing. On the one hand, Pascal let I found one great thought, therefore, in my teenage age again feel full of energy, with dignity. My insight into the vast expanses of the universe, in spite of, but not as important thinking. The lack of spiritual turbulence, the universe is not only no consciousness, no shape, it still intact. Astrology of transfer, whether the scale or number will let the eyebrows, but it is actually a passively running, rather than any ideological decision: it moves, but only move. But people let the universe and lively. Therefore, it is my responsibility to step on a way of thinking, a careful reflection on the road of life. On the other hand, thinking that people like to recognize substances Pascal order has a value. But I want to stress that this is still our and material between appropriate reasonable relationship. Because, we may also be substances attractive too, fall to lowest. However, when he was young, I decided to eliminate this threat. For this, I will in the next chapter for more detail. Therefore, my thirst is urgent, and the vast majority of people, I want to know everything, to know everything, absorb all: first philosophy, but also including human history, astrology, archaeology, ancient Egypt, Cuneiform glyphs, science and art (whether secular or religious), religious studies, as well as literary works. All I am interested in. I have read the book, what will be the top Plus commentary, in different colors, press subject notebook for summary. I diligently pursue wisdom, curiosity never glut. The insatiable hunger have not let me from the test. My first test is: the confusion of academic process; the second test is more difficult, I know the reason of failure; and finally, I thoroughly experienced their weak. First, I must admit I have always been ambivalent attitude towards school work. I have a great knowledge of the appetite, but always to primary objective — the poor child services to dilute the importance of knowledge. In fact, from the first convent, after graduation, I reject the superior tribute Isaac lace nuns to Paris to study the University continue to soar. She was very concerned that every young nuns of comprehensive development, clearly I thirst for knowledge. However, the religious life in the two years of intensive training, I was eager to work at once. This isn't me into Zion Notre Dame? I will go to Turkey because while the heart with joy. Moreover, at that time, with the industry's diploma is enough to become a teacher in primary school. Later, when I was assigned to grade class, I immediately understood that they must have a college degree. Then, the second world war is the European involvement in a mess of great turmoil: being in Istanbul I, it was not possible to establish the College and salt. I, therefore, a University in Istanbul, enter France Bachelor's courses, the Church also give me some free time to study, I soon made the first philosophy of the certificate. The following year, a nun was assigned to Romania, in addition to my own class, you must take responsibility for her work. That was my studies in the first involuntary infix. I patiently wait for the appropriate time. However, the day to go by, the twinkling of an eye, I have 50 years. Were assigned to Tunisia, I think it is a good opportunity for a fresh start. In fact, I can in Tunisia in France cultural center registered, it belongs to the University, Thor eligible bachelor diploma issued to me. I take this to my brothers and sisters in Belgium, they help me to lay a solid foundation for Latin text and Greece. Day schools by the end of the lesson, I will use the evening time crunching books, so at the end of the semester, I successfully passed the written examination, leave for Paris to participate in the oral test. However my feet just step on deck, they have Halo mess, couldn't review! the whole voyage, my whole being flat, Dazed by the waves shake. Arrived in Paris, I have a status of suspended death, station also stand. A kind man hung up the phone to Zion, Notre-Dame, the two sisters then use small trolleys pick me with luggage, a doctor to the monastery to the diagnosis for me: my weak pulse, breathing difficulties. Although I worried, but did not make me sick of the examinations. Despite the preparation not week, coupled with poor health, I pass the exam. However, this event has led to more serious consequences: Tunisia's superior asked me to break degree course! they are afraid of in addition to the school's work, but also to prepare studies that would be harmful to my health. I'm downright and undermined. How can this? I have never had a lesson, a generation hours nor, also got the certificate. I had the boat is Halo, but it is 100%. At all to be smooth sailing, people have to stop me! my head hit a stupid fence built. I cannot fast forward, towards me drunk, meet my life thirst of knowledge in the world, but was forced to stay in place. A feeling of death into my heart. The only way to get out my prayer is the only way to escape is to pray. I went to the Chapel to express dissatisfaction and blame, just like in the famous comics and movies, the old and the village of CAMIRO arguing against (DonCamillo) priests: "God, how do you make such a stupid thing? my boss's ignorance, are you blind?" all of a sudden, I head first convent of teachers at that time, our group of young nuns said: "you obey the oath, may one day be like a cocoon of death. At that time, you will work with the crucified Christ more agreement from time to time, but also with many, many, more painful depression than you thousands of times in the relationship between men and women struggling to fight — no doubt that women more than men--closely, fit most! "Mary · El-wire nuns words strongly, but it is very reasonable. For the suffering people of prayer is good, but once the wheel to myself also suffer when the heart will open to prayer will change, but also in action. We will become more fervent and more capacity to alleviate the suffering of others. Immanuel, think of your first love! When you graduate from the first convent, it is your own rejected parent wants you to the University School of salt, because you want to own a fully dedicated to the Group of weak, trapped in poor social conditions among children. You dream to share the human poverty, funny is that you now but just want to enrich your own accumulated knowledge!, and the desire and the substance of the property accumulated what two? your indignation is and the pursuit of self-centric meet and fun-you claiming to be to serve others, love other people, but look at your pride, your ego, your sense of vanity, a look at your self in the desire to grow and the desire to let others impression, has expanded to what degree! remind you own Pascal said: we are not satisfied with the present in us and our life in the life: we want to live in accordance with others ideas to create fictitious life, so always try to show himself to others. We continually strive to keep our dress, fictitious life, ignoring the real existence. This storm continued for several days. Finally, by Pascal language help and prayer of sublimation, I finally see it clearly in my pursuit of knowledge, degree of motivation, vanity, imagine the huge proportions. I actually indulged in the desire for knowledge. Do I not want to know everything, to know everything? want to be able to have full, this is what a crazy idea! this is beyond human power, but also let people becoming increasingly self-centered. Despite my real life since childhood and is full of joy and service and great, but still have something inside, trying to spend a lot of energy to chase a unreal goals to construction in the eyes of their own and others ' strong self-image. Immanuel, you only because Hat can't insert root degree of feather that crashes, and you are so humble and poor!, of course, I now teach grade higher students want to get a degree. Academic offer me a human to the world, to open the window. Genuine culture really let people have a general nature, a respect for each culture, one can see various culture has a unique value. Nevertheless, my studies and my dogged pursuit of the bitter resentment of gas, the gradual shrinking of the heart. The development is done last, I was able to prepare different examinations, and finally in the 55-year-old got the famous, in my life before and after the roundabout by 20-year-old classical literature Bachelor diploma! on intellectual suspected and setbacks in the same period, I also faced another more significant challenge that I emphasized with rational and knowledge for abstract thinking of rational suspicion, and sensible final total defeat. The smell of the crisis is still not completely disappear. About my Christian faith, I must admit that when I arrived in Turkey have people call it "the honest man's simple belief". I taught by the Church bishops, it can be said that there is no truth in doubt. I'm a devout Catholic who grew up in an environment, directly into the monastery. However, any belief, religion, political or moral beliefs, are subject to a variety of attacks, or leave the cultivation and shaping the belief of the environment, it is easy to get lost, are very normal. At the Istanbul University mentioned earlier, I come into contact with the world of Islam and Judaism. I have had many outstanding professors, whether from knowledge, religious or moral sphere. Fee for Islam, by Mr. Muhammad the Prophet is; Mr. olba on Jews, the Prophet was Moses; for me, a prophet is Jesus Christ. What is the truth (QuidestVeritas?), the absolute, undeniable truth? this question as a Flash suddenly rang in my heart. Today there are many young people, in childhood without difficulty to accept the teachings of the Catholic Church teaches, but refused to believe in the future. Living in a world of God seems to be absent, they feel that they are responsive to the development of the surrounding environment. My position was even more dramatic: I will own totally dedicated to Christ and, convinced that he is the light. I'm selfish, but he found the source of love, he put me feverishly to others, especially children. Does my entire life is built on a foundation of illusion? I now in a very awkward position. Words by Pascal is, I pushing by "," an since then look very uncertain path. What should I do? to? which one? all of a sudden, I found myself falling in the darker, no way out of the tunnel. Therefore, I long in the believer's heart, and ask for more evidence of the spirit, and constantly be pull and tear. Emotionally, I talk to God said "Yes", but intellectually, I told him "no". I have always acted in the complete absolute, I can't always stop at door. I would like to live on their own rational inference broke in and found the existence of God. I often say to the students of the ancient Roman philosopher, Emperor Olle Milius (MarcusAurelius, 121-180) the application of the famous proverb, in his own body: "the obstacle is the action of raw materials. "The truth, must exist in a corner. I use the prepare study certainly qualified to administer the philosophy, looking for a sound system, a dedicated to "find" tool. But frustrating is that I noticed every philosophy "masters" are considered his speech better than their predecessors, but then later turn to refute their statements said. Such as Michel de Montaigne (MicheldeMontaigne, 1539-1592, France's most famous Renaissance thinkers, essay writers), I was in the "station": the wheels on the pulley endlessly go Ah. At that time, Bergson (1859-1941 HenriBergson,, France philosophers) is a French Academy everyone feared that Bong's "Archbishop". But I have realized that the era of Bergson's hegemony will also become a thing of the past. Pineapples. My question still has not been answered. Unless, otherwise I doubt no longer be able to find to find elsewhere. I started reading all religions, without seeking to provideWell-established evidence of religion. I am particularly on several important person interested, just a few examples: the Sumerian epic of civilization — akde hero Jill Gaya-e (Gilgamesh), his imagination to find eternal life; b. c. 14th century King of Egypt's Pharaoh ' (Akhenaton) and his actress wife Nye Phil mention (N idle ertiti), Egypt-worship-Hamon (Amon) is a unique national God of short period; India Brahmanism God of creation of the gates (Brahm PLO fierce Pang Hui child SC Mo of edge clams jia Hui ⑽ Pao-Pao graves Huan huatang horseflies Al now follow uranium dare make effect of cavity neighbour gallery hop zang huge rock reef as for changing a convenient occasion carboxy-vest XING make release na dead what they offered the right about Father Philip Yong Lai all annoying table Miao Zhuxi ″ Iridium mane hold for N a hook two BR miscellaneous hot sputum Chinook Zhuo show sincerity, a tiny minority of Buon Sou ㄐ Isogo unloaded? 2 century great Jewish scholars maimonide (Maimonide) and his important works of the lost ' Guide (Guidedes Pan ar bi), that is a rational attempt to let confidence and for reconciliation. I then transferred to the target, Islamic civilization, Har JI (Halladj) this special character made me deeply captivated, as I read and read Louis · Massimo-Nong (LouisMassignon) have written about Harald's classic. I'm going to let me off collecting fog light. Finally, I came to Christianity. It is true that Christ died for love in the world of wonderful life, warms the soul of man. Yes, however, there is a big "but" — who can prove it to me, he is like the assertion of Nicaea credo is "for God and for God, for the light and the light"? I was disappointed again, while cursing while closing the thick books. I don't save any fantasy at notebook, previously with naive hope that in the above full wrote about philosophy and religion notes. This is just a waste of time! "Bible" of revelation has another exploration of road? how early I did not think that is exactly what I needed to theology. I especially for 13-century philosopher and theologian Thomas Aquinas · (ThomasD Le quin). I must admit that I did not read the introduction to the theology (SommeTh Peng logique) of all volumes. But I've been reading up on God's existence of five trials, despite his arguments of great value, but I am not satisfied. In short, I read theology, and has not been enough to convince his own Testament. In the end, I despair to a conclusion, that is, the rational thinking and abstract reasoning mind does not give me any answer. In the coming days, I found this study actually make me profit. Find itself without sin, even better. Human heart felt the tension of the truth, this is perfectly justified. However, to know the God of this finding, but was destined to be footsteps. "Understanding", Latin comprehendere literally is "possession, control of all". Indeed, I want to possess God, conquer him, control him. I'm so proud of his madness, with great! so I obsessed! non paranoia herself and God's ability to achieve equivalent to high, absolute knowledge level. Here, not just about knowledge accumulation of "quantity". The "quantity" of all give way to the "quality" of all, to Adam and Eve had a temptation that once tasted God forbid they eat of the tree — to distinguish good and evil of the fruit on the tree, it will "become like God as" (the book of Genesis, Chapter 5, section 3). A superior suggested we: "when it encounters a problem, it opened the Bible Gospels, sat down to read slowly, like a child, joy to read a paragraph will reverberate in the heart of the beautiful story. "I like to sit near the Saint place of Cabinet, to relieve the tension of nerve and brain quiet, meditation of the Gospel of John chapter 6 of the discourse. I use the Saints according to NA Jue (1491-1556 IgnacedeLoyola,) in his book "the practice" (Exercices) advocate, first set the scene into the background of the events, see him sitting in a boat, facing the river of a large group of people talking. Next, I let the feeling echoed these mortal ears sounds were dismayed by the words: "I'm down out of heaven and the bread of life, the man who eats this bread will live forever. I want to give the bread, is my flesh, for the life of the people in the world. "(The Gospel of John chapter 6 51 Festival) at this time, we are able to understand that audience reaction: they have to say he mumbled cuckoo, mocking the prophets, and slowly away from him. Does he want to crowd into cannibals? Jesus did not panic, he turned to the 12 disciples said: "you would also like to go?" and he did not change the wording, nor retain them. Honest and brave Simon Peter is always the first to jump into the water, he exclaimed: "Lord, you have eternal life, we also come from?" while not know Peter, but he believes in. And my doubts, I will come from? I should abandon Christ coming out light, turn to embrace the spirit of the times — at the time of thinking mainstream is Paul Sartre and Camus, as well as their life absurd questions?: for me, this is my personal experience is enormous. From 12 years onwards, every day I feel my life nourishment, bestowed by the Holy body. Although my doubts, too arrogant, crazy, but my soul is a subtle sounds whispered: "your life, it let you continuously revitalized, if you do not come from your heart to Christ, it come from?" while there is no convincing evidence in support of the rational, weak, impermanence, I also passionately run everywhereMy body dedicated to others and let life is now flowing. Life specific arguments slightly eased abstract reasoning setbacks. This period lasted for several years in doubt of course is a burden, but it also helped me become more universal spirit of nuns. I understand those who cling to skeptical, refused to believe, vain looking! they are like a part of my own. One day, a bit of "agnostic" philosopher friend asked me: "in your opinion, how to have confidence in?," I purposely answer him: "for people like you, it is impossible! why? as Pascal in the memorandum in the assertion that God is not God of the philosophers and scholars, but to Abraham, Isaac and the God of the job. "Exposure to the living God, not because we use rational thinking, abstract reasoning, or with a small telescope viewing was discovered. Whether or not, we must beware from reality and operation endgame pure intellectualism. When rational wallowing in their own strength, it thinks that he can do everything, all things are possible to grasp, manipulate. I did not fall into this trap, because I have met the bounds of reason, finally, in turn, recognition of this fact. Orient Queen and failure I meet the third test, is the realization that their own incompetence. Although I am in Istanbul and young students of looks and confidence of my swing, always there, but it also gave me constant foot joy. What will the desire for recognition and France culture exchange more warm and touching girls? them to the new world, new horizons is totally open, too proud to let you best further promoted. To teach young students, help them thrive in the female teacher, generally considered to have a high status person. I be unreserved reverence and love. In the East country, and even can be said that, I was acknowledged by her baptism. Therefore, being sent to Tunisia, I experienced a very dramatic change, I was assigned responsibility for two from France's immigrant families in the face of female students in the class is a group of completely different students. This group of twelve three-year-old children to school because their parents sent their will to school. Their misbehavior, just like the clamor and stirred me, of course, you are welcome. Tunisia humid climate continued to erode my strength. From morning to night, I was exhausted and frustrated, simply do not have the capacity in this age group is ready to establish prestige before students. Orient Queen's era, has left me! a brilliant achievement, whatever its character content is very easy to trigger a sense of euphoria and self-deception. Teaching, at least in respect of that year, provides a powerful position. Pascal wonderful to illustrate spiritual connotation in order. He is definitely a great intellect: the formation of the "thinking man's greatness. "On the other hand, he also called people recognized diseases sound thinking. Even if he has a broad range of curiosity and talent, but only to a small part of the universe. He deeply feel that between his thirst for knowledge and his ability to realize the gap between the fur: the gap between how huge! people are disproportionate ... He did not see him get out of the nothingness, nor can he caught in the infinite ... People are not aware of the principles of things or do not understand the eternal things belong to despair. We are anxious to find a solid solid terrain, a reliable and constant basis to build an unlimited high tower. We constantly tempted by the "Angel doctrine" yielded, denying human life which are both great. In fact, where the animal was not thinking to do our people have the capacity to implement it. We have also been discovered, but because the law of the universe, and have the ability to have access to the material universe, operations, transform the world. Our rational as it seems broad expanse, boundless, and soon, the sky became common sense ability of range; just like in Babylon, when people still speak a language that you want to build a city on the Sky Tower, reason according to their wish and need to knead, transformation, forming the difference. "Become as God as" the temptation is always to waiting near the greedy, because when the reason to indulge in self, will produce a feeling of omnipotence. Spiritual order in the simultaneous adventures with the great and sad. Seems to be full of infinite hope, but the final result has seen the incompetence of reason. Therefore: we broke down the entire Foundation of the Earth split into an abyss. People looking for his own beyond whether it is an area in which, sooner or later will find his body weakness. Just like Adam and Eve, they open your eyes and see her naked. Inherent weakness, but part of the person, you can't get rid of, we can never get rid off, it will be closely associated with you until you die. Soft will not be spirit and spirit of the order to destroy, on the contrary, it would be more painful than the physical order. People caught in an infinite and endless small, between the intellectual power and nobility, and his intellectual limitations of experience between languish. Facing self inner emptiness and last inevitable cemetery crater, "empty and full of filthy mind," and therefore want to flee, constantly to escape.